cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
