This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I AM VODKA MAN
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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