Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
