I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
