I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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