yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize