Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
