If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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