Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
