So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i now understand why vodka
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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