I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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