You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I love you. Go after that dick
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
