i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
