Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You need Xanax blowdarts
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
