I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
