and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
