just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
