I accidentally had phone sex last night
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
