dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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