Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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