Four minutes until I can fart!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize