Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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