I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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