wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
