connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
