Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
