I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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