U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
