He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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