I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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