How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
