come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
