I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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