I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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