Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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