She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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