mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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