Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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