As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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