i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
