Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
two words...techno handjob
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
