hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
