we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
