So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
