Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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