Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
