I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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