the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
