whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
