I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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