i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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