Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
