u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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