Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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