Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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