We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just pee around me
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
