Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize